Stupid Hummer Tricks

[dwaxman1]

Stupid Hummer Tricks



This page is devoted to the outrageous, stupid, unusual

and just fun situations that Hummers and their owners

have gotten into as a result of the Beast.







Crossing the Gully... Leaving the Reporters in the Dust!

This story takes place in the deserts of Kuwait about 20 clicks south of the Iraq boarder. I was now a CPL and tasked to take my Gunny to the Regimental camp to pick up some reporters and escort them back to our camp. The war hadn't kicked off yet so my Gunny and I weren't to concerned when we got there in our humvee (soft top style humvee, with no doors and half a top) only to see two groups of reporters in there brand new Mercedes-Benz SUVs. They were joking with us at how beat up our military machine was and telling us it looks like it should be used for target practice. Now my Gunny and I weren't to pleased to be out here having to baby sit some reporters we didn't want sticking there nose in our business anyways so we figured we'd put there vehicles to the test against our "target on wheels". My Gunny pulled out his pocket GPS, typed in the coordinates for our camp and away we went. We had radio contact with the reports with handheld radios (ICRs). As we started out one driver comes across the net and asks us why we aren't taking the main road they have on their maps. My Gunny answers back "well gentlemen, we are in a tactical situation and the enemy may have seen us come in this way so we need to go another way to avoid a possible ambush". I couldn't stop laughing as we continued on our trek up and over some good size (man made) sand dunes left over from the first Gulf War. And again the radio squawks "Hey guys could you slow down a bit our vehicles are having a difficult time in this sand". Gunny replies "Yeah sure thing". Again we crack up laughing, cause here these know it alls are eating their words, making funny of our humvee and their SUVs can't hack it. We told them we would slow down but we didn't. Then came the part were we almost had a taste of our own medicine. As we crested the top of this hill we came across a gully. It was about a 4 meters deep and 10 meters wide. The drop was pretty much straight down. Now we didn't want to come this whole way just to have to turn around and go back to the road so my Gunny said go for it. So I turned the humvee at a 45 degree angle and started to push the front left tire over the edge. As gravity took into effect we slowly slid down like a crab one wheel at a time making contact with the bottom of the gully and the sides of the sand wall. I thought for sure we were going to roll but nope never did. We made it down into the gully and then found a section on the oppisite side of the gully that was about a meter or two high and again I put one tire on the sand wall and crawled up, over and out of the gully. As we stopped to get out we noticed the reports standing there with there bewildered looks on there faces and coming over the radios again saying "Uh, guys we aren't going to make that". We found a place for the reports to cross and we made it back to camp, but we proved that looks don't matter when it comes to Humvees. As long as you have a frame, seat, engine, tires and a steering wheel a humvee will get you where you need to go. -- KW





Ocean Drive!

As a PFC in the Marines I received the opportunity to go to Humvee driving school on Camp Pendleton, CA. In the course we get to test out our "snorkels" in the Pacific ocean. As all former Marines know you always have an "A" driver with you. Mine was a CPL from my BN. He had been a driving Humvees for 3 years now and thought the position of "A" driver was boring so he decided to take a nap while we tore along the beach. As the word came over the radio to flip our switches, follow the vehicle in front of you and make your way into the ocean I awakened my CPL to ask him a very important question, "How fast should I enter the water ?" he was not pleased that I wake him from his nap so he leaned over grabbed the steering wheel and away we went. Now as big as those humvees are they still turn on pretty well. The last thing I remember was looking down at the speedometer and seeing 30 mph (or very close to it) and then seeing nothing but water engulfing our vehicle. At this time the ocean had a pretty good tide coming in, about 5 foot swells. We had gone out about 25 to 30 ft. The engine was still running but all I could see was water at the wind shield. My "A" drive was awake now and screaming at me to reverse. Which I did and promptly drove back onto the beach. After catching up to the rest of the convoy we stopped and checked the vehicle out. The only damage done was that the impact of the water had broken every fan blade in engine block and so we had to drive back to the motor pool going 20mphs the entire way back as the engine would over heat if we went any faster. It took us and hour and a half to get back to main side. But the humvee never missed a beat and I was back in the drivers seat the next day. Same humvee, different "A" driver. -- KW



Very Steep

I was an Army aviator for 8 years and here are my two favorite Hummer stories-- At the NTC at Ft. Irwin, CA an LTC Infantry BN commander wanted a good look out over the battlefield. He had his driver pull their hummer up to the crest of a big hill/mountain and then ease out over the edge. The driver voiced concern but the colonel insisted. The grade was steeper than expected and the hummer started to slide. The driver had the foresight to lock the emergency brake and they both dove out opposite sides of the vehicle. It came to rest at a ridiculously steep angle right on the edge of a fairly deep cliff. Nobody anyplace as willing to try to climb in and back it out as it was literally within inches of falling over the edge. I helpfully suggested that they plant some flowers around it and make it a landmark or tribute or something. The grunt colonel was not amused. Eventually we rigged a set of sling legs underneath one of my CH-47D's and hovered over the stranded vehicle while a couple of grunts gingerly rigged it from the top down for slingloading. We lifted the vehicle off of the mountain and set it on the desert floor. The colonel was grateful.



During a different rotation I was an Observer/Controller (like an umpire) for a sister aviation unit and had a Hummer at my disposal. I was tearing across the desert as only the young and stupid in possession of an obscenely capable off-road machine can, hit a massive dune, and launched myself into free space. The vehicle came completely off the ground and then angled nose down prior to impact. It landed on the right front tire and blew it out. The run flats performed as advertised and carried me back to the post cantonement area in relative comfort. I reported to the maintenance facility and gave it my best "I don't know what happened, it just exploded" look to go along with an innocuous story about a slow leak over several days. The maintenance guy took one look at what was left of the tire and didn't buy a word of it. He grumbled but swapped it out for me. I drove that vehicle for another three weeks and fell in love with it. What an incredible machine. I have flown a great many aircraft and can also honestly say that, for a few moments at least, I flew a Hummer as well.



-- W. D., former Major, Aviation, U.S. Army





Flipper -- Not Only a Porpoise

A few months ago, a friend of mine told me a little story. Being in the military for 8 years I didn't believe it. He told me he flipped his Hummer over. I laughed in his face and told him God couldn't flip a Hummer and he could tell his lie to someone else. Believe it or not he did it, the guy at the dealership said the same thing I did. But he replaced his door, bent and scratched only on the top, and his driver's side mirror. Here's the lie... A 90 degree turn came out of nowhere and he ran up the 6 foot bank and stopped somewhat at the top. The angle was pretty steep and the passenger side tire was hanging about 3 feet off the ground. You can only guess what was going though his mind. " I'll just drive the rest of the way up, turn around and drive back down." Easy, right? Here's the catch. The angle at which he was at threw him a twist. As he started forward the front didn't come down the way he wanted it to. The rear driver's side slipped, then caught traction quickly and barrel rolled him almost all the way over. A couple of passers by helped him hook up the winch and get the tires back on the ground. To no surprise, he cleaned the window and drove away. If I hadn't seen the damage and the dirt for myself I wouldn't have believed it.

-- "B"



Tow Truck Needed

I won't sign my name to this one, but it is a funny story (and an instructive one for new Hummer owners). Just after I got my Hummer, I was playing around on some dirt piles on a construction site. As I slowly crested the top of a rather steep one, I lurched to a stop, finding that I was high-centered. The weeds had obscured a knife-edge ridge, and being a mere construction site pile, I hadn't bothered to walk it. Being Saturday morning, with the whole neighborhood passing by on their way hither and yon, and having no adequate anchor point for the winch, I did the most expedient thing...and called a tow truck. Thankfully, they got there quick...and funny enough, the tow truck driver told me that his job in Desert Storm was to operate a recovery vehicle that spent most of its time rescuing Humvees high centered on sand dunes. He pulled me four inches, and I was free. Probably the best part of the story is that as I waited for the tow truck, a little old lady pulled up in her brand new Jeep Cherokee and asked me if I needed help. When I said "no thank you, help is on the way," she said, with a good heart, " let me at least take some photos for you to remember this." The photos came out well, although I rarely show them. But it was a great lesson.





Full Moon Madness

I was driving my Hummer and I came to a bit of a dilemma. A traffic jam -- boy, it pissed me off. There was a white Impala in front of me. It was a 1977, a true classic. So I had my buddy go and hook up the winch. I pulled the boat out of the way and drove off. BOY IT WAS FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Driving UNDERWATER!

As a sergeant in the Marines, I noticed that many of the Hummers we had in the unit were equipped with "Snorkel Kits". One of the motor pool NCOs informed me that this would allow the vehicle to travel while submerged under water. He said that the engine was sealed and that as long as no water went into air-intake/exhaust it could travel through some rather deep water. I don't know just how capable this feature is, but I do know that on one particular occasion, we were traveling through some swampy areas and I gave the order to my driver to stop. He willingly obeyed, but could not understand why I was so exasperated. It seems that we were about to cross a flooded area that sported over 3 feet of water! He told me not to worry and to hold onto my seat, and then we proceeded to cross over 50 yards of hard-flowing water up to the doors. We were in a soft-top and did get a fair amount of water into the cab, but what a rush! Since that time I have dreamed nightly of owning one of these babies (although I hope the seats are a little more comfortable than the military version - you practically have to keep a tube of Preparation-H with you at all times because its a rough ride). -- from Cris





Muddin'

I've been stuck in the mud a number of times. It is not too difficult to do all you need is two feet of good mud. I have only been stuck in man-made mud, where heavy equipment has destroyed the subgrade. Natural mud holes always seem to have enough solid ground to power through. The worst (Best) experience was trying to cross a stream with steep ravines on either side. My Godzilla glands got all fired up thinking about it, but I tried to suppress them. I told my friend that since the water was about 18 inches deep, we'd be looking at another 12 inches of mud and combined with the 50 degree approach and departure angles, we'd be stuck for sure. He called me chicken. Next thing you know I am standing up to my waist in freezing cold water trying to figure out where the front of the Hummer went and if I'd ever see it again. I pulled the winch cable up the ravine and attached it to a tree halter and returned to the truck. Great...except that the end of the cable was about 20 ft from the winch, and the end frayed. I spent the net hour trying to reattach the cable to the submerged winch with frozen, scratched, and bleeding hands. I eventually got it though and with an extension chain was able to winch up and out. Thank God for my winch. It protects me like none other. -- from Dave E.









Over the Hill and into the . . .

As a private stationed in Korea, I was assigned to drive the lieutenant on my first trip to the field. This was during June and the Monsoon season had just begun. We got seven inches of rain in one night and needless to say the ground was soup. We had to set up for a night range and the lieutenant needed to cross a rather steep hill to set up a retrans station. Coming over the top of the hill, I noticed that the other half of the hill had slid completely away. My HumVee slid down about a 65 degree drop-off into a mud hole that buried it up to the windows. We couldn't get a tank close enough to tow it out, so we had to radio for an air support unit and have it air lifted out. -- Josh B.





Narrow Alley -- No Problema

This was a case of "narrow-mindedness" as much as anything. I was going around the block because I spied a parking space. To save a little distance I decided to go down the alley instead of going all the way around the block. I start to turn into the alley and I noticed a van parked there with clearly not enough room for a wide Hummer to pass. Darn! Wait a minute! This is a Hummer for Crissakes. How dare I think I can't get by! So I turned down the alley. When I approached the van, I slowed down, popped the transmission into Low Lock and proceeded to drive up the 20-inch wall on the side of the alley. With the left wheels on the top of the wall, the Hummer was tilted at a rather steep angle -- quite a thrill for my passenger. I drove past the van, turned to come down off the wall, and was on my way. No Problema!

-- Tommy







Bumpy Night Mission

While on a night mission I had to drive without lights. The Staff Sergeant who was with me in the passenger seat was catching a nap. I was driving down a dirt road looking for camp. All of a sudden the passenger side of the hummer went straight up and the truck was leaning at a 45 degree angle and then dropped back down. I was surprised but my passenger was REALLY surprised. I don't know if he was cursing or praying because he was yelling in Spanish. A few seconds later it happened again! I tried to stop the vehicle but it happened one last time before I stopped. I got out to see what it was I hit. There was a long line of dirt piles in the road, each at least four-foot tall. I hit the first three with the front right side tire. Had I been in my own S-10 truck, we would have been flipped over. I started laughing because it was the most fun I had in a while. The Sarge kept yelling about how I had tried to kill him.







Mud Slide Slim

Well, I am not so sure I want to admit this, but I got a Hummer stuck and had to call a tow truck. Of course, now I have a winch and can get myself out of such jams. But at the time my friends thought it incredibly funny. The fact that it was midnight only made them laugh harder. Mr. Hummer Guy, showing off his new toy to his friends . . . I thought these things were unstuckable! Wait a minute. I should not be chastised and laughed at. Maybe I did something that deserves commendation. Yes, of course, I deserve commendation -- I stuck the unstuckable. Well, would you believe . . .





A Funny Response



This is an email note sent to Attila's Used Hummers that we found humorous:

Date sent: Mon, 10 Jun 1996

From: J.O.N.@ . . .

Subject: your hummer Hi,



I'll give you $2,721.57 for your hummer. I will also give you my little



brother, and my bike. Hope you seriously consider this.



J.O.N.



ps - the boy, although a bit whiney, is a good worker.









An Amusing Response . . .

This is a response we received about buying a used Hummer: "Hello, I am highly interested in purchasing a used Hummer, and from what I've seen, your dealership is the finest of the few that sell used Hummers. However, I've never purchased a car before, so I, well, don't really know what I'm talking about. The only knowledge I do have about buying a car is pretty much from what I hear in commercials (mainly stuff about financing). So, basically, I would like to know if your dealership offers financing (what exactly is financing anyways??), and if so, what would one have to do to qualify for it? Thanks for the help..."







Stay tuned for new stupid and outrageous adventures.



Tell Us Your Stories

Tell us about your Stupid Hummer Tricks and we will post them for others' amusement. Send a note to: attilathehum@gmail.com